The day that changed my life

I have not always been as I am now. The thing is though, I can't remember properly what I was like or how I used to think before one fateful day in October 1992, the day my whole life changed and left me distraught and reeling. Of course I am referring to the day my Dad suffered a massive brain haemorrhage. I do remember the knock on the door, a policeman standing on the doorstep, I remember wondering what on earth he could possibly want and I remember listening to what he was saying all the time thinking how unreal everything seemed.
I really don't know how I drove to collect my sons and daughter from school and then on down to London, I don't remember much about the journey other than I was driving in desperation trying to see through tears, trying to reach him in the Intensive Care Unit before his life ebbed away. When I got there although his body was still breathing and his heart still beating I knew my Dad was no longer in there.
All at once I knew I no longer had a chance to tell him how much I loved him, it was something that none of us ever said to each other. You see when I think of that now I cannot even imagine what prevented me from saying those few little words, I can't remember my feelings about it and now as I say this to each of my family often it seems as though it wasn't me then - well, it certainly wasn't the me that I am now!
I had some really odd thoughts in the days after Dad died. I would keep trying to make a bargain with God, I'd say " Please just let my Dad come to my front door now and I promise I won't say anything like - I thought you died" I mean as if that could ever happen! I would be out shopping and very nearly ran up to a few different men with their backs to me thinking it was him. I know now this was just the early stages of normal grief and mourning for someone so close but at the time I felt as if I was losing my mind.
The one thing that I found so very difficult to accept was that I had no idea that he was dying. Now this probably seems a bit odd to anyone reading this if they don't know me, but throughout my life I have had psychic experiences concerning close family, for instance I could hear my Uncle calling my name when he was in hospital and he was alone and dying and I so I was able to get his daughter to go in there and she was with him when he died. Why didn't I 'know' that my Dad was about to suffer a massive stroke?
Anyway, of course, que sera, sera. I wasn't meant to know, his time was up and there is nothing anyone can do to prevent the final calling.
So, that was the beginning of the rest of my life, I miss my Dad every day and hope he is proud of the person I have become - Dad, my love always, J xxx