With the passing of yet another birthday (I'm trying not to count, but it seems everyone else does!) I am again pondering my existence and what (if any) benefit I am to this world. What is my purpose in this life? am I doing the best I can to help those around me (should they want my help), or am I selfishly bulldozing my way through this life according to how I believe things should be? How selfish is that?
The reason for all this inner turmoil is that during my latest Uni course (the learning never stops!) there was an in depth discussion on 'self-actualisation' and of course for those of you who know me, being a Humanistic counsellor (Person Centred) I am naturally a self-actualiser (and proud of it!!!) BUT, (oh yes, here it comes..) how selfish is that to those close to me?
I thought I'd ask the daughter whether she thought I'm selfish, her answer? "Well, you can be sometimes...." I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach, that I, the original earth mother, fearless she-wolf who would protect her pack unto death, supreme sacrificial being who would suffer anything and everything for her offspring (not to mention butt wiping, snot cleaning, taxi driving, horse feeding, grooming and mucking out (in all weathers), in fact -! when did I actually begin to have a life?
"Really?, what makes you say that darling?" I asked.
"Well, like the time on Christmas night, when you stopped playing scrabble in the middle of the game" she said
"But you were cheating, and I didn't want to be a party to that." I replied
"But it was just a bit of fun, why take it so seriously?" she said
"You know I hate cheating, so I just removed myself from the situation."
"Okay, but that spoilt the game for us, so that's what I mean about you being selfish at times".
"I'm sorry you felt that way but I would have felt uncomfortable playing on afte that, so I did what I felt best at the time".
"Exactly, anyway it's no big deal, you asked me and I told you!" and with that she went back to her ipod so end of conversation.
Thinking back and examining my feelings of the time I did not want to continue in a game where there was cheating taking place. Does that mean I'm a 'spoil-sport'? Am I guilty of having a hissy fit and 'spitting my dummy out'? or can it not be seen as a sensible decision made by an adult, utilising her Human Right to make a choice for herself?
So, how selfish am I? I am completely self-responsible and will hold my hands up to anything I do. I'm not afraid to make mistakes because I see them as opportunities for learning curves but selfishness to me is something a person does to the DETRIMENT of others, whereas I would sacrifice everything for those I love if I needed to.
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