It has been a hell of a long time since I last wrote an entry here....and an awful lot has happened, so much and with so many twists and turns that seem all but impossible to have happened. One day in early July 2008 I made a decision that would change not only my life but that of my family's too. Such a masssive decision taken not lightly but, at the time seen as the only clear way forward....
I was in such turmoil, i was fast becoming a 'cornered animal' and we all know what happens then....summopned to a family 'meeting' where I was to be questioned, accused, attacked....I took a work colleague with me to act as a mediator to help save my dignity? more like my sanity!!
No one, it seemed could comprehend what had transpired, no one prepared to believe me when I tried to explain the reasons behind my actions, were they interested? In me or my part ? No, they were only thinking, each of themselves and how it would all impact on their own lives. Not one of them at the time was prepared to tell me they wanted me to be, feel happy and loved - actually for the first time in my life unconditionally.....
And so the meeting came to a close and I was left feeling that I actually had no control of any events and life was unfolding before me, I stood as an interested bystander but feeling powerless to change things and not even sure that I wanted to.
I asked for a year, a year to try and understand myself, to live life for the first time without being controlled by any one else, to live life for ME! I actually thought if I could just be happy for a year then I might go back into the life of drudgery with the man who had always blamed me for everything that ever went wrong in his life and the man who would try to make me grateful that he stayed with me....and my reason for returning would be for the sake of my children and the fact that I would have given up on the dream of living in a happy, loving, caring relationship as opposed to being in an abusive one. When I spoke to one of my sons, he told me that he knew of people who were prepared to die for others, this is true and if it were a case of being able to die to save oneof my children I would do this without a seecond thought, but we're not talking about an actual death we're talking about my happiness and about their acceptance and let's face it - unconditional love from my children....maybe that will take time to manifest. I mean would any of them want me to be so unhappy, to have to go back on to anti depressants, to be suicidal again all because I was being starved of love, affection and appreciation....?
What my husband refused to understand is that IF he had treated me with love and respect, kindness even (I pathetically used to leave notes for him beggin for some kindness because I felt like one of the dogs waiting to be patted on the head or to be thrown a kind word here and there...) then I would never have allowed myself to fall in love with someone else...of course it could never have been a man because I would NEVER have let a man get to know me through and through. The fact that there was no physical expression between us other than hugs and chaste kisses mattered not one iota, we fell head over heels in love with each other, as I said at the time "I'm in love with her very soul!".
The man I married so many years before the man I had been with since I was just 15 years old had reduced me to feeling so worthless, so useless, so unloveable that I never thought anyone would be able to love me and so when that person came along and showed me love and concern, someone who was genuinely interested in me, the real me, I began gaining confidence and feeling some self-worth, my self-esteem was growing, each day was becoming exciting, interesting, I began looking forward to living life at that stage I stopped taking the anti-depressants that I had been prescribed 3 years earlier due to feeling suicidal - and he didn't even notice that!!!
Is it any wonder that I fell in love with the person who was my best friend? The person who did not stand to gain anything from me other than my happiness. What an incredible difference this was to me, I could hardly believe life could feel so wonderful, happiness at last.
Of course none of them realised the above reasons, I was called names I was accused of having an affair (there was absolutely nothing physical between us then) but we were genuinely best friends, soul mates and very much in love...
