Goooood morning dear Reader!!
Yes, yes I know it's been a long time but then I honestly and truly don't get much time for blogging, or anything much else tbh... Still, I'm not a defeatist and here I am trying to blog something I hope will be found to be worth reading however I guess that depends on where your interests lie...also not promising to blog regularly this time (been there done that and failed miserably, lol). So to work.....where to start as I have been away from this rather a long time and got lots to catch you up on dearest reader, if you are still with me.....
Well, I have been working now for 16 months for a good company who actually shows appreciation for their staff, we get jollies, bonuses and generally rewarded for hard work. What a difference eh? I was fortunate being offered a place as a temporary maternity cover which when that came to an end I took on a permanent position and am quite settled in that. I had a little worry along the way as everyone I spoke to was saying don't worry there will be a job for you at the end of the time but the one I most wanted the comfort from, the love of my life and partner just said "You always knew it was only a temp position!" Why? say that? Why, when you would think that she would want to help alleviate my concern, help settle my mind she was totally hard hearted, and seemingly uncaring in her harsh words....yes, as it turns out there were 2 positions available when I applied but in the months leading up to that stage I was living in fear of being without work again, how easy that would have been to console me.....There are many times when I feel hurt by things that are said carelessly/needlessly and I always think..what would I say in that position? I always try to treat others the way I would wish to be treated, but maybe I just become too nice, too kind - is there such a thing? These things are indeed sent to try us I guess for although we have been in our relationship now for 5 years and 6 months the one big problem that we seem to have is the fact that we are half living a lie.....and the worst thing about this is that she is making me live a lie. Let me explain dear reader, when we first got together we were soooo in love, total soul sisters, our interests were one and the same for the main part and we very gently grew our relationship from purely platonic to very passionate physical (it still is often!!) over the first 8 months or so.
From the outset I have been honest with my side (friends/family) not without concern for the result but Love is enough became my motto and I felt (feel) that if there was anyone who would want to cut me loose or be horrible then it would be sad but as the saying goes LOVE IS ENOUGH and I have clung to that all the way through. The one big problem we have is that my partner, love of my life, has not been and is not being honest with people about us and as we work in the same company this is causing me to have to lie about our relationship which I hate doing. So many things go through my mind dear reader, is she ashamed of me? Have I got it wrong and maybe I should feel disgusted with myself for loving a same sex person? But again for me Love Is Enough - it dawned on me a little while ago that sadly for her (obviously) Love in NOT enough and I find this so sad, it hurts me to my core, it burns and eats away at me that I put her name with mine in cards/on presents but I am nowhere to be seen on hers. I always want to do things with her not without her but I am constantly reminded that she wants to do things separately...why?? It's something I can't understand fully, I spent a lifetime with a man who would use the personal pronoun 'I' rather than 'we' and once again I find this happening. More importantly recently she has a new friend who she has not told and so is being a completely different persona to while purporting to be a close friend??? How does this work? She assures me there is nothing more to it but then why should she be so secretive about us? If I were a man in a relationship with her I would be concerned about her not telling another guy that we were in a relationship - is that not one and the same thing?? She has compared it to me having a lunch with a work colleague !! Difference is though that the only reason I have not yet told this colleague is because my partner does not want her to know NOT that I don't want her to know....big difference really.
If true love is unconditional and we are led to believe it should be then why should it matter that we are the same gender? I know I fell in love with a person, a soul a wonderful spirit and that love is unconditional but I am not receiving unconditional love back and this hurts, and more importantly makes me question my feelings for myself as if I am accepting anything less than I feel I deserve then I am letting myself down and not loving myself and respecting myself the way I should be. I am hoping she will overcome her fears whatever they are so that our love can be truly complete and totally unconditional.
I am quite highly principled in life, does this come with age?? No, I don't think so I think this comes with loving yourself and being happy with who you are My love did not want to tell her dear mum or her sister, but you know what? I remember very clearly after she did this and she said in no uncertain terms that she felt so much better afterwards and guess what - did she have any catastrophes after she told them? No, nothing bad happened, life carried on and we all got on very well. Then she told a couple of friends and what happened? Was there a nuclear war? A tsunami that wiped out Northampton? No, nothing bad happened. So what is the problem?? Now, she always says that it's not anyone's business and I agree wholeheartedly and then goes on to say that I want her to shout it from the rooftops - but actually I don't want her to do that - I just want her to be like anyone else is about their relationship - who hides theirs??? No one! People don't have to shout about it but just be honest! Stop living a lie and like everyone else I think the more normal people are about their relationships the more normal they are accepted as such - when someone starts to hide these things it tempts criticism and scorn....for me if anyone has a problem with it then that is clearly THEIR problem and should not be ours. So I am hoping that as my tattoo says Love Is Enough and for me it is, I hope and pray that she will find that instead of Love is NOT Enough for her that she will decide, that like for me Love Is Enough.
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